Anorexia & Bulimia

Although it sounds strange to claim that I have been leading a double existence, it is actually true. I would say that my eating problem began when I was around 13 years old. At the time, I was more interested in sports, and I reasoned that my body's changes, which led to an increase in food demand, were what were fueling my eating habits. The foundations were being built at the time, and on top of that, many children were being bullied because of their weight, so I had to be especially cautious not to overindulge. I couldn’t help myself, I kept on eating to a point I even developed binge eating that would see me wake up at midnight for a feast. To make matters worse there was a fast food restaurant near our home which meant I could take up whatever meal I wanted and feed my desire for eating.

Innocently I never noticed as I made small steps into that territory of bulimia as I saw a documentary on the television about ballerinas and how they managed to maintain their weight and figure, some exercised routinely while others vomited the food in order to avoid the process of digestion. At this point, I started showing signs of being overweight and some of my family members noticed it as well. It had a certain impact on my physical performance as I couldn’t keep my original pace but the problem was I couldn’t stop eating. It was the same as taking in air, but it was evident that I needed to lose a little weight in the process.

My favorite meal was steak and chips which meant at every opportunity I got I had to get some. When I turned 16 I had already taken up a certain shape that meant my frequency with sports reduced as I was finding it difficult to run owing to my newly added weight. I wasn’t at all overweighed but one could tell that I was growing well out of my frame. It was around this time that people were very conscious about healthy eating such that my parents had begun doing morning and evening run in order to stay healthy. But I couldn’t match up to them as I had developed a routine that saw me consume a large portion of food before I went to bed and also at midnight. I started feeling a bit guilty about my body as well as dieting habits. I compared myself to my sister and I felt myself slowly degrading which meant I had to take some compensatory steps to counter my eating habits.

At a family barbecue, I once overindulged in burgers and fizzy drinks so bad that I felt sick and purged myself of what I had consumed. This was the beginning of my fall into bulimia as I saw it as a way of coping with the demands that life brought on to me. I did feel sick of what I had done and wanted to get rid of what I ate, to make matters oven worse I did hide while eating so as to escape the glaring eyes of my family members. I didn’t want to accept that I had a disorder as I saw it as something normal.

I believe my trigger into this was my comparison to my sister who had a much more slender physic compared to mine. I never wanted to purge again so it meant compensating with frequent exercise, but as I exercised I fell further into binge eating which meant I was going in circles. This cycle went on for about two years until I added a considerable amount of weight that was the talk of my family. This meant I had to take drastic measures, within minutes of eating I could run to the toilet and throw it all up. My actions were nearly noticed as my father though I had some sort of bug and offered to take me to the hospital. Straight from the dinner table into the toilet, this was my double life. I was evidently seduced by this form of weight loss and true to its nature it did have certain effects on me as I did start to shed a few pounds as my athletic rhythm started coming back with the frequency that I purged myself.

This whole idea seemed like a quick and simple method of weightless in light of my hardships. This also meant that I could also indulge in binge eating as I saw that I had a remedy for it. I remember the very first time I forced myself to be sick and how unpleasant if felt but soon after I got the feeling of emptiness as well as purity as I had managed to eat my favorite meal yet I had nothing at all in my stomach. I settled for this as my daily routine till the day I would attain my ultimate goal weight which was about nine stone.

I remember having thanksgiving dinner with my family at a certain time, I could see them enjoy their meal as it was delicious, but I knew my routine had to be followed to the letter as the results were practically important. To my shock, my dream weight came really fast as it was very easy, my routine would involve taking a heavy breakfast that was promptly purged, a few light snacks in between as well as my favorite meal which also had to be dealt with as well as supper that went down the toilet. The only shock I had was the progress of my situation as my problem started out as a situation that was under complete control initially. But as time went by it became totally uncontrollable and things snowballed to a situation that I definitely didn’t know what I was doing. I really adored food but at the same time, I had a desire to be at an acceptable shape and weight which meant that I had to be conscious about how I fed.

I would raid the fridge from to time them slump in depression concerning what I had done and thrown up. In a way, feeling full comforted me greatly but I immediately I realized what I had done and hate myself. It got to an extent that I would avoid any form of family gathering or party that would involve cookouts which would see me eat. I wouldn’t settle for one plate, I would have more than two. I once had a terrifying experience with my first ever binge as I felt the hunger coming from within that gave me the feeling that it was insatiable.

I did suspect that my relatives saw something was wrong while there’s didn’t even have a clue as I managed to maintain a certain demeanor. I had no clue on how to eat normally, or even how to have a steady normal meal without eating too much. It got to an extent I don’t know how to stop overeating and purging as I admit I felt a calming effect after I threw up, I simply couldn’t stop myself as I saw this as a way of taming my situation. My thoughts revolved around how much I want to eat my favorite meal and how I would do so without being caught in the act, to be honest, it was more physically and emotionally exhausting. My eating and throwing up habits became second to automatic; it became habitual and self-perpetuating meaning that sometimes I would just do it without second thought or remorse. My habit of overeating and purging had now become my way of letting go of the feelings of self-worthlessness.

I spent a lot of time trying to maintain my demeanor of normalcy as I felt guilty for purging what I ate. All I wanted was to maintain a certain shape and weight but it became rather difficult to do so since I really loved eating. At times I would throw up in order for me to fall asleep hence it became a soothing factor in my life that I had to keep hidden lest the judgmental eyes of the society found out I would be in trouble.

My battle with this problem went ahead to affect my being, flowing into my social life as I had a lot of anxiety when it came to social outings with family and friends. It was actually my passion for exercise and healthy living that managed to allow me to hide this problem from my family but it all came to a standstill the moment I had a knee injury which meant I couldn’t run. All I did was eat and purge, this had a drastic effect on my weight as I started losing weight considerably. My emotions went up when deciding if I would attend any social event and in the end, I would resort to eating and make silly excuses why I wouldn’t go. I would wake up thinking about how hungry I was yet I was afraid of food which meant I had a psychological problem. My parents were the first to know as at that particular moment I started developing anorexia.

I was struggling to concentrate on simple things as now my weight is about seven stone. With my weight spiraling down, it was a clear validation of what was going on hence it saw the intervention of my parents who saw me grow thinner with each day. I was hungry, but each time I ate and purged in order to satisfy a certain desire in me. I knew the problem was a threat to my life as I was rather susceptible to minor illnesses such as flu since my body couldn’t fight. My recovery process is ongoing at a steady pace but as I have come to discover the problem sets in with having a comparison with other people as now I wish to go back to a certain weight which means eating, this invokes my fear of backtracking to bulimia. But I do know with a little help I will develop a normal attitude towards food.